When I read two short essays which have the same topic written by John Doe and Jane Citizen, I strongly think that Jane's essay is better than John's one.
Firstly in John's essay there are a lot of the first person sentences. While I was reading his essay, I felt that I was reading a diary. In fact in his essay he wrote that "I have often travelled long distance because of my work". This passage is not appropriate for the offical essay. And I could not see any the first person in Jane's essay.
Furthermore there are lots of long sentences in John's essay. Some setences could be longer than two lines and these long sentenses could make reader get confused.In Jane's essay, each sentences are no longer than one line and it is much simpler and easier to read.
In addition, I have some questions which resources John got to make a statement. For instance the first sentence of his essay is "Airlines are under pressure these days to make money". I was wondering how does he know that airlines are under pressure and which resource he learnt about it.He needs to put some referencing and he even used wikipedia as his references which is not appropriate and as I skim through the short essay he only used two referencing. On the other hand Jane used some intext referencing with direct or paraphrasing explanations so it is much clear to see how she got the theory from.
Lastly Jane's reference lists are according to APA reference however John's does not. John's lists are really hard to see which resources he used.
From these four resources, it is clear to see that Jane's essay is better than John's one.
